Introduction to Danielle
Hello! Let me introduce myself. My name is Danielle and I am a UK domestic adoptee having been brought up in London.
My separation from my birth parents began when I was a couple of months old and I was sent to stay with my paternal grandparents before being put into foster care when I was four months old in the same foster placement as where my older sister was. A little while later I was moved and put in a mother and baby unit in order for my birth mother to bond with me and form an attachment in an environment where she was monitored daily. This intended stay was meant to last 12 weeks but after 8 weeks the staff at the unit were unable to assess my birth parents together as a family unit due to my birth father’s past and the safety of the children so this placement broke down due to my birth mother wanting to return home with her partner and children but unfortunately social services couldn’t agree to this so after 8 weeks I left the unit with police assistance and returned to foster care.
On return to the foster carer, she noticed that I was withdrawn, avoided eye contact and was not smiling as I used to. I stayed at this foster home for around three years but unfortunately, this was an abusive home and it was detrimental for my development and due to this I was developmentally delayed for many years due to the neglect I received.
When I arrived at my adoptive family at the age of 3 ½ I was severely delayed in terms of my speech and language and spoke the odd word but also physically I was very weak and my structure was very small for my age. At this point, I was still using a bottle and was still in nappies due to the neglect and abuse I received whilst in foster care. Due to being severely unstimulated and kept away in my early life as a consequence of being in foster care communication has always been a real struggle for me. This made my school life very challenging due to me being unable to communicate with my peers right until the end of my secondary school education. I have made progress since then but still, this is an area of difficulty for me. I know one day I will be able to communicate freely without having any anxieties and fear I know I will but I’m still on that journey for the time being.
As I grew older throughout my growing up no one had to ever tell me I was adopted because I knew as I arrived at my family at the age of 3 ½ and I had a life before then that I knew existed and I knew that I’ve never really lived with my birth parents even though throughout my whole childhood I so desperately wanted that to happen. I’ve always yearned to have a connection with my birth mother even though that connection was never there.
From a very young age I always had this strong feeling of abandonment rooted deep inside of me and that has never disappeared and this made me to put myself down always regardless of me being in a loving family and no matter how much love my family poured onto me love was not enough because there was always that something missing which I had always longed for.
Growing up my intention was always to search for my birth mother and siblings because I have always thought about them and throughout my teenage years I spent most of my time lost in thought about my birth mother. All the time my mind was never at rest, thoughts flowed through my mind and I was always thinking about things but mainly my family because the question of why I was removed, why I’m not with my birth family always bothered me and was always on my mind. I would say I was a born searcher and I was able to commence my reunion journey in the summer of 2014. Initially, I got in touch with my older sister who I grew up with up until the age of 4 before being separated but things didn’t go to plan due to many reasons and her telling me not to visit my birth family. At that time I would say I was young and innocent and my feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams were crushed immediately once my sister told me straight away the details of my birth family and what the situation was like. Mentally I was not prepared to hear all of this in one go as growing up I had created an image of who my birth parents were and what my sister was telling me didn’t match my thoughts so I immediately dismissed everything believing it was an exaggeration. Still to this day I haven’t seen my sister due to the complexity of the situation and me not being ready. It’s been 20 years since I last saw her when we were both children aged 7 and 5 years old.
My reunion journey consisted of meeting my birth mother and her family which included a maternal grandmother, two maternal aunts, several cousins and a great grandfather, my three younger sisters and then my birth father and his family which included a paternal grandmother, uncle and a granduncle. I went to meet my birth mother first as that was important for me so I met her for the first time after 15 years of separation in the Autumn of 2014. Reunion in fact, was very hard for me and contact brought on lots of anxieties, hard feelings, pain and stress and during the whole reunion journey I truly felt abandoned again and not loved. Subsequently, I met my three younger sisters for the first time in Spring 2015 at their foster home but it was a very distressful meeting. Last of all, in the summer I met my birth father and the four months I was in contact with him was an experience due to him treating me very badly and him not accepting me as his daughter on top of the emotional and verbal abuse he poured onto me every time I saw him. During this time I was able to meet my sisters one more time but once again it was not an easy meeting due to the environment. Contact with my birth father and his family terminated in November 2015 due to me ending it regarding the situation and the stress I was in.
I’m still on my journey to trying to connect with my two younger brothers whom I’ve never met but desperately want to connect with but it’s not been possible yet due to them being adopted. I’ve not reached this stage yet but I hope the day will arrive someday very soon. I’ll be waiting for them when they are ready.
I wouldn’t say this reunion gave me the closure that some adoptees feel if anything it brought on many new questions, new complicated feelings, rejections and loss which I’ve had to work through.
Navigating life post-reunion was not easy because I had to continue life where I had left off just before the reunion started and then that’s one of readjustment.
I think the start of my healing journey started once I received my adoption records in June 2019 and from then on I was able to recognize things more clearly and understand life events and my journey. Healing for an adoptee is a daily commitment.
Moving on to present day, I left a gap of 4 ½ years without having any contact with anyone in my birth family due to me feeling very hurt, lost and angry with the whole situation. I got in touch with my birth mother again in December 2019 after receiving my documents and I have been taking this journey slowly and one step at a time this time around. I’m taking a different approach and my understanding is different this time around as I’m older and have more knowledge and experience however this doesn’t mean that the pain and the sense of feeling hurt is not there because it is, it’s learning to navigate life with different expectations in a positive and healthy way.
Soon after I received my documents I started to become more interested in my adoption and understanding the complexities of adoption which then inspired me to journal about my life and this made me want to discover and meet other adoptees.
This led me in writing three blogs for the agency for adoption and permanency support (PAC UK) in January and June 2020 and more recently in November 2021 and this was the start of me becoming more open in regards to my adoption instead of keeping it private.
By sheer coincidence I joined a group for young adopted people and during this experience I’ve had the opportunity to appear on Channel 5 news and attend The Inaugural Transatlantic Foster Adoption Virtual learning Exchange between the US and the UK organised by Krish Kandiah in the summer of 2020 as a guest speaker and listening to the two foster youth stories from the US and some of the guests present were Vicky Ford UK children’s minister and commissioner Elizabeth Darling from the US from the administration of children, youth and families (ACYF).
Around the same time I found this organization I’m Adopted online and I’ve contributed by writing a few posts in the last two years and by also attending an interview to which I was invited by one of the ambassadors who I’m in touch with. The interview was the first time I went into detail with anyone about my adoption journey and I feel it was an important next step to my healing journey knowing that I’m not alone in a safe space.
