Birthdays

Growing up, my birthday was an occasion in my life that was filled with joy and happiness. I had many birthday parties with my friends and classmates whilst in primary school full of balloons, wonderful food and presents and my birthday was something that I believe I looked forward to as most children do but always at the back of my mind there was always that something there which was on my mind regardless of a wonderful time I had.

Always throughout my childhood during the summer, as my birthday approached every year, I thought and questioned whether my birth mother and if anyone else was wondering about me or if they had forgotten about me.

Throughout my life, as a whole, I always enjoyed my birthday because I felt it was special knowing that the mother of my father had the same birthday as me but unfortunately I never had the opportunity to meet her however my father has told me in recent times that she would have loved me. I always felt it was an honour to be in a family where a family member had the same birthday as me. Not everyone can say this.

That puff of breath that extinguishes the candles would be a time when my family used to say “make a wish” and from a fairly young age roughly from age ten or so, I used to wish for my birth mother and siblings. Sometimes I used to wish for her return and sometimes just to see her and my siblings in the future which I longed to have in my life. I wished for so many things in terms of my birth mother not knowing what the situation was really like until eight to twelve years later but at that age of innocence, I just wished only for what was taken away from me as a baby and toddler.

Also, throughout my adolescent years, I sort of saw my birthday as a countdown to when I would see my birth mother next but it wasn’t the original plan to see my birth family at the young age of eighteen but I believed then that by reuniting with her would help and heal me from my troubles but that wasn’t the case.

Sadly, all this happiness and joy surrounding my birthday was taken away from me as I embarked on the reunion journey with my birth family as this was not the reunion I had anticipated due to it being unsuccessful from my point of view.

After I turned eighteen, I no longer looked forward to my birthdays because now I had met my birth family but as the reunion was not successful I no longer had them in my life anymore for a little over 4 ½ years and that was very hard for me not having any connection to my birth mother at all especially on my birthday as I’ve never celebrated my birthday with her. Back then, I just wished I could of celebrated my birthday with my birth mother even if it was just once. Even though I felt this at the time it was rather a dream, fantasy and wishful thinking because in reality, I wouldn’t be able to carry this through and actually want to celebrate with them because a birthday should be about true love. If I’m unable to stay in the same room as them without feeling stressed and my heart racing fast without any anxiety then imagine bigger things like a birthday for instance. They may give gifts such as money but that’s not what interests me. What interests me is that they show true love and actually care about me but all they’ve shown is the opposite to love. Money and gifts may be the life of what my sisters want, like and actually need but that’s just not me.

For me, celebrating a birthday is about spending time with my family. It’s not just about saying happy birthday to a person quickly to get it over and done with. A person’s birthday is about you’ve been here for all these years and we’ve loved, cared and been by your side through good and bad times no matter what through thick and thin for this long and we’re going to help you through many more and the rest of your life. It’s not just a one day occurrence it’s a process throughout the many years of a person’s life, it’s a lifelong experience.

In the years which followed after reunion, for sure I had the birthday blues but little by little I slowly started to regain this joy two to three years after reunion was terminated with my birth family. Everything in terms with reunion is a journey to get back up again and to heal and move on from everything that’s involved in one’s past.