Nature vs. Nurture
Throughout my life, I questioned myself on many occasions whether things were inherited or acquired and as I got older I understood this was the nature nurture debate. There were so many unknowns in regards to my origin. I grew up with no connection to my roots except for the experiences I had lived through (separation from birth parents and foster care).
Growing up, I always used to question am I the way that I am due to my birth parents (nature) or because of my parents raising me (nurture). I wanted to have something within me that was the same as my biological family because I wanted to connect to my roots instead of nothing at all.
I truly believe some aspects of who I am today are due to the environment I was in before my adoption as from the start of my life I witnessed violence and then entering foster care as a baby as a consequence. My first three to four years of life in the foster care system was not safe for any child due to abuse on top of the stresses in order to survive which affects one physically, emotionally, developmentally and psychologically due to all the traumas which adds up over time and has a toll on a person that young.
This topic of nature vs nurture interesting for me. Quite often growing up I used to think how come I’m good at many things. I used to think is inherited or acquired. This is a very interesting topic especially for me as an adoptee as my whole life I've questioned things and even my existence. For instance, where do I get my love of history especially WW2, my love for reading history based books, my love for writing but also poems, my interest in the outdoors, my love for cooking? Where do I get the talent for playing a musical instrument?. Where do I get my love for modern foreign languages? Are all the things that I'm good at nurture from acquiring or nature inherited from parents? One may say it's nature and some may say it's nurture. For me, I believe all my skills, talents, sense of humour and wittiness are nurture. I genuinely, don’t believe hardly anything that makes me the person I am today is down to nature but who knows there might be a small aspect out there that I’m unaware of. That is why I am so different from everyone in my birth family and that what makes me distant and different from my birth family.
Once commencing my journey in looking for my family I wanted to be like one of my birth parents but what I learned was I wasn't. I lived a completely different life to theirs and it would be a miracle if I ended up like them. Initially I found this very hard and upsetting but as time went by and I digested this and I came to terms and accepted it.
As an adoptee, the “nature vs nurture” debate is never far from one’s mind because we have no one in our lives that physically look and are like us compared to our peers. Most children spend their formative years being told “you look like your mother or father”, “you are good in such a such subject because you inherited that talent from your mother, father, brother, sister, aunts, uncles, grandparents” but for us adoptees we don’t have anyone biologically to compare ourselves except for our parents who we take after as this is our life now. As we don’t have anyone who resembles us we find ourselves wondering who we are and what characteristics and talents we might have inherited or got passed down from our biological side and what life would have been like if we had grown up with our birth parents which also means we would be a different person compared to who we are today, in most cases less well off and put together.
Growing up I always felt like a puzzle piece trying to fit in but as I’ve got older and experienced reunion this is less so the case especially when I’m doing things which I enjoy which in turn makes me happy and am surrounded by my family which is important to me because without them I would be lost.
From a fairly young age I was aware of similarities between my parents and from the age of 12+ more and more things got added to the list.
There are the clear external similarities, such as my witness and sense of humour which I get from my mother, our love of good food and cooking, music having studied the piano and cello and my love for classical music which I get from my father. From a very young age as young as four years old I had a very unusual and particular taste of music for my age which included medieval, church and choral music. I’ve always liked very calm music which is not loud or stimulating and this taste of music is still with me. It’s funny I like this type of music because I ended up in a family who are in the music industry producing and publishing their own Italian music magazines on top of LP’s and real to real tapes. Then there are other things such as my talent for languages having studied French, German and Latin in Year 7, Italian and French in Year 8, Year 9 only French and Year 10,11 and Year 12 studying French, Italian and Spanish. It’s funny I enjoy studying and learning languages because my parents come from a language background as well with my mother having studied French, Spanish and Latin at school on top of coming from an Italian family where Italian was spoken at home and then undertaking a joint degree in French and Italian at university. While, on the other hand my father having studied English, German and Latin at school on top of French being his mother tongue and used in everyday situations such as at home and school as my father is French Canadian and undertaking a degree in History and German. The person I am today I would say it’s all down to my upbringing and environment due to all the experiences, opportunities, education, the values and morals which they have instilled in me which has made my upbringing healthy and successful.
Prior to meeting my birth parents I always wondered would I have any similarities with my birth parents and to me this was something that was important so I could feel whole and that I belonged in both families not just one that of my adoptive side.
When I saw my birth mother for the first time at the young age of eighteen years old the nature vs nurture debate in that moment became real and hit me like a ton of bricks instead of it being conceptual. I had my birth mother’s face and voice in front of me for the first time since she last saw me as a three year old at a contact visit.
What I learned going into reunion is that I’m not like my birth family at all even though they are my biological parents. The one and only thing I can name in which I have something in common with them is that my birth father and I have the same interest in coin collecting, specifically 50 pence’s. I wonder if this is just a coincidence!
However now after being in reunion and knowing who my birth family are I am sure and know 100% that the person I am today is due to my upbringing and the environment I’m emersed in.
I always wanted to have similarities with my birth family beyond the physical characteristics but sadly after all of my experiences with reunion I’ve worked out that all we have in common is biology (DNA) nothing else and in reality they are strangers to me even though they will always be my birth family.
Finally, my concept of identity is all down to nurture and as an adult I’ve created my own version of my identity none of which my biological identity is included because it’s one which I don’t know, is too painful to even think about and it’s just not me. Anything to do with my ‘British’ side I’ve been at battle with since forever. Growing up I associated being ‘British’ with my birth family and as I wasn’t with them and as they were the ones who abandoned me I would hate the fact I was British, I associated these two things together. It was just emotionally hard for me and nothing has changed that feeling. Never in my life, have I ever supported a British sportsperson when watching sports except for one person, only because he had the same biological surname as I once did and his father had the same birthday as me, I thought this was funny. In my mind and in my heart I know I’m British but I don’t present myself or look the part of a typical British person which I’m glad about so I don’t feel British when I’m immersed in an international family.
