Vulnerability

The word, “vulnerability”, intimidates me. The word vulnerable can be interpreted many different ways as well as how people show their vulnerability. For me, to be vulnerable is to lose control. And control is something as an adoptee I crave. To have control in my own person. To no longer have to fit into everybody else’s mold of what they think I should be. For as long as I remember, I have lived in a life of being boxed into a category. The way I acted, whether I showed emotions or not, I was automatically put into a category of who I was. For example, for me communicating with outsiders is difficult. Oftentimes I find it daunting to talk to strangers if it’s anything more than just on a hi/bye basis. For me it’s just easier to not say hello at all and just walk by. And for that reason, It has been said that I am unfriendly or mean-spirited. Well I have come to realize not ONE single word or action describes me. I am the only one that should be allowed to determine who I am to other people or how much people know because nobody else is me. A big part of how much people know about me is how vulnerable I allow myself to be. I have always been a bit of a more reserved person. I am not an “open book.” Perhaps I have always linked vulnerability to control, but up until most recently, I have not had the words to articulate my feelings on this. And it was not until having discussions with my adoptive family that I realized this. That I want control in my own person. As I think this is important as an adoptee. As someone who has been boxed into categories and held so many titles from orphan to adoptee. When can I just be Nina? The Person I allow others to see at my own pace, within my own control. To show as much of me as I want to. To have the choice to be vulnerable or not to be.