Split Up: Life Without Siblings Pt. II
As the years passed and as I got older I never forgot about my older sister even though I was very young when I last saw her, I believe I was five years old. Years later as I was approaching my eighteenth birthday I just couldn’t wait any more so I searched for my sister and eventually after doing some research I found her online. Nothing prepared me for this relationship though. Now, after 8 ½ years since making contact, I still have not met my sister and this has been my decision. My parents have always been very encouraging in terms of contact with my sister but every time they ask me if I would like to see her I say I’m not ready. In my heart, of course I would like to meet her but due to how all of our contact which has been through messages has been negative and full of aggressive language I’m not ready to pursue contact in person yet and if I’m being honest I’m scared. One day, I hope things will change and I get to meet my older sister and who knows maybe even my two nieces and nephew (I know this will be difficult) but for the moment I’ve got to do what’s right for me no matter how hard this decision is regardless of my sister being angry at me. In a way, she is right as a decade has nearly passed but on the other hand I’ve got to do what I’m ready and comfortable to do without any pressure or anyone forcing me. It’s a decision that only I can make.
It was not until I was eighteen that I got to see all three of my younger sisters at their foster home. If it wasn’t for me requesting a visit this would not have occurred and to my knowledge, it was only agreed because they were in care and it’s a duty. Was this two hour visit a good encounter and a reunion with my three sisters two of whom I was meeting for the very first time. Really, even though I had met my sister who was born sixteen months after me I don’t really believe this counts as I was a toddler. I was pre-verbal so have never had any recollections of my younger sister except for photos proving we had met so in my mind we were meeting for the first time. This visit unfortunately was not a positive encounter. My sisters were not interested in me at all which was a real shock to the system. They were more interested in playing with the dog and the foster carer's granddaughter who they had access to whenever they wanted compared to me who they didn’t have access to. This hurt me a lot and I remember on the train journey back home I just looked out of the window with tears rolling down my face not wanting to talk about this visit with my mother who came with me to meet my sisters.
I was lucky enough to meet my three sisters one last time when they had a contact visit with their father, uncle and grandmother ( my birth father and paternal family) but once again it was not a welcoming visit but I do not blame my sisters for this visit as the environment was not suitable filled with lots of tension and pressure from my part due to my birth father’s behaviour.
Since then, I have not seen my sisters for seven years and the last time I heard from my middle sister was in the Summer of 2016 after a very short encounter of exchanging some messages which lasted exactly one month. I still cannot get my head around the fact that they don’t want to see or even know me. I am still their sister regardless of never having lived or grown up around them. Their behaviour really perplexes me.
Due to all of this, I find forming a relationship with my siblings as an adult really impossible and that’s hard on me. Theoretically, I have six siblings but in terms of reality, I feel I have no siblings at all! On an everyday basis when people ask me if I have siblings I always say no. This will only change if I ever am able to have my siblings physically in my life, it’s too complicated to tell people my story to people who I don’t know and they don’t need to know that straight away, some things are to remain private. There has been no connection with my siblings for the whole of my life. It’s important that parents do provide us with the tools to manage our relationships. In my case, I truly believe that my parents have done everything possible on their part to support and be there for me with what they had in front of them. Outcomes only happen if all parties are on the same page. What people don’t realize is the implications in the long run which we have to work out as an adult. Relationships with siblings help us because they will be the longest relationships that we have but also the sibling relationships help us find a sense of belonging as we all have something in common (separation and trauma). It helps us with our history, our identity, attachments but most importantly help us understand our life events on top of creating a greater sense of confidence and self-esteem. When one realizes that contact with birth parents is not possible then the relationships with siblings become even more important and are the people which whom we share things with and as adults we are determined to find our siblings. Having contact with siblings once a child is adopted is so important because it can solve a lot of issues which no one else can solve. Having contact with family especially siblings no matter how many miles apart the connection no matter how brief even to the extent of once a year this helps us because then we feel less alone and belong. Belonging is the essence!
Once a relationship has been broken you cannot fill that in unless lots of work is done or when you meet you feel an instant connection. I feel as a whole in cases like mine the relationship has been lost and usually when we do meet siblings there is no connection and we are just seen as an acquaintance and not family. How would you feel if you knew some of your siblings viewed you as this?
There are times when I see siblings quarrel or argue and I say to myself you are so lucky to have a sibling in your life compared to others out there like me for instance who is waiting to be a sister due to not having the chance and opportunity to have contact. I say to these people don’t take what you have for granted because what you have is all that someone else wishes for.