Split Up: Life Without Siblings Pt. III

Moving on to my two youngest siblings, my brothers. Still to this day, I have not met them and this particularly breaks my heart. Even though, my eldest brother having turned nineteen in November and my youngest brother turning seventeen soon on the day of epiphany ( La Fête des Rois or La Befana )  there is no sign of moving in the direction of reunion at this moment in time. I hold onto hope every day that sometime soon I will meet them otherwise it’s just too painful.

Eight years have passed since I originally asked social services who were facilitating my contact at the time but nothing came out of it. I wonder, did they even try. Personally, I don’t believe so however they don’t have the obligation as that’s not in their jurisdiction once a child is adopted.

I will forever keep trying no matter how long or how many years pass by. They are my brothers and they hold a special place in my heart regardless of me never having met them.

I truly believe that if I ever have a  chance of having a relationship with any of my siblings I see that happening with my brothers, my family also feels this too. I also feel that I am more like my brothers compared to my sisters. I am the complete opposite to my sisters and am not like them. Regardless of me fighting for contact to happen with my brothers, this doesn’t mean that I don’t desire to have contact/relationship with my sisters too but I am unwilling to have contact and put myself through that if the other person doesn’t want that, is mean, their words are aggressive and threatening or if the situation is not safe to do so which means I will be in danger, I’m not doing that! My safety comes first.

Theoretically, contact with my brothers is a simple thing but their adoptive mother has made it into something so difficult to the extent of it becoming near impossible. Her not agreeing and putting a block to having contact with my two brothers which is my right is heart-breaking for me and I do carry the pain with me due to this side of loss. There are times when I feel jealous of everyone who has met my brothers. I see it like, this the adoptive family of my brothers are so lucky to have them in their life something which I dream and desire to have but something I’m sure they take granted for.

I think to myself if only my brother's adoptive mother really knew what I and my family are like as people I’d hope this would make her less frightened about initiating contact with me and then be willing to include me in my brother's life knowing I’m not like my birth family. I’m fully aware of the rumours that have been going around about me and my family and the people who created this in the first instance will go out of their way to create harm and pain for me due to their own profound issues. I’m certain, information has been passed from my birth family to social workers who I know at the time of my reunion passed information down to the adoptive mother. What they passed out I don’t know and how they presented the information I’m unaware of but I’m positive it has been negative due to what I’m hearing in recent times. My birth family have nothing positive to say about me or my family. I just wish that the adoptive mother of my brothers knew who I truly am beneath all the criticisms, insults and accusations because my family and I are none of that. The accusations are just lies. I am my own individual nurtured by my family full of talents, my accomplishments and that I’m the first person in my birth family to attend university and complete a degree, my attributes and potential. I see my life now as just the beginning, there is so much more still to happen.

My life is nothing like my biological parents, sisters or immediate family and this is something which one has to take into account seriously. What some people are unable to realise and see is just because I made contact with my birth family doesn’t mean I am like them. I came from the outside world into their world for a brief period of time but throughout all that time I was an outsider until the day they pushed and sent me away. If only the outside world really knew what was really going on and how I felt. Growing up, I saw my adoption and birth family as a flaw that had to be compensated for and due to this I put so much pressure on myself. In reunion, I was a completely different person inhabiting each space just trying to fit in with the people around me with their expectations of me which just ruined me and due to this I lost myself in that process. It was not until post reunion and once I had time to myself that I learned if I want to achieve things and be successful at what I do it’s necessary that I’m open and be one hundred per cent true to myself something that couldn’t be accomplished surrounded by my birth family. I couldn’t exist in that space and environment the way I wanted to and who I am as a person.

It’s hard knowing in my case, my brothers are out there in this world who I don’t know but so desperately want to connect to. It’s even harder during the months of January and November when their birthday approaches and during the holidays because then it’s really hard to accept that they are not in my life and I cannot celebrate with them or just give them a hug. I know I have so much that I could offer but most of all love them as their sister.