There is no Grieving Without Feeling (Pt. 1)

The year is now 2023. Things are very different now compared to the past. I’m on a different but also new journey. 

For eight years, I kept secrets from my parents: things which my birth family have said about them, the accusations and how they’ve spoken about me. I had wanted to tell them earlier, but it was too painful for me to verbally get the words out. It’s still hard for me to contemplate the things they’ve said to me which are deeply rooted inside of me. This wound (La ferita) is still here. I kept this to myself, only to protect them because my parents mean the world to me. Last month, after much courage I finally told my parents about the situation with my birth parents and what they’ve said and how they’ve treated me throughout the years. I carried this burden with me which felt like immense pressure every single day on my shoulders. 

“When we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets can become their own trauma, their own prison.”  ~Edith Eger Holocaust Survivor and psychologist

It’s difficult growing up when one doesn’t understand or know what’s happening on the inside but it certainly affects life. Also, how can one heal when one doesn’t know what they are healing from. Healing is also about knowing who you are as a person. My initial steps to healing was that I decided to share small pieces of my story. Adoption is a lifelong journey which will never end but as time passes so does the healing process and hopefully, one's wounds will heal with the right support and time. 

“You can’t heal what you don’t feel.”  ~Edith Eger Holocaust Survivor and psychologist

Also, an important issue is that for children and adults to have a sense of serenity and happiness they first must know where they have come from. The earlier one knows their story the more they can understand it and be less angry. The gaps in our narrative can impact us in so many different ways that most will see as unexpected and incredible. It impacts us because of the strong bond even though it may seem invisible it is there, and you cannot break it. It's unbreakable no matter what anyone says. For one to feel complete this happens over time and through different healing methods, one can then start to concentrate on themself to make sure they reach new levels of success. 

Personally, for me one of the hardest things an adoptee we will ever have to do is to grieve the loss of a person who is still alive. Adoption is trauma. Without our biological mother being around the pain for us adoptees just grows as the years go by. A lot of the time us adoptees feel the need to be quiet and be happy but in reality, what good does this do, none at all. This is not healing at all, in fact, staying closed and secret about the adoption side of things to the outside world will do more harm if anything. More trauma is added, and the healing process is longer. 

As adoptees, we always wrestle with questions, information, people, treatment, outcomes and confusion until one starts to work things out. Acceptance is key in the process of healing and one’s recovery of their reunion journey and past experiences. The more of yourself that one can bring to whatever one is doing whether it be school, work, hobbies, family, friends, work colleagues the more that one is going to enjoy what they are doing but also one will get more out of it and better outcomes will appear. Also, the more that one is true to oneself but also to others one is going to find other people like yourself with the same beliefs and values. Then one can start to have a group/community of trustful and reliable people in one’s life. Through this journey of openness things will fall into place one step at a time. One cannot do all of this from one day to another without having emersed in the adoption community regardless of  being adopted. It takes time, patience, strength, knowledge, bravery, confidence, vulnerability and power. It’s not given. It takes time and practice but also the willingness and determination to want to improve as a person by revisiting and reliving one's past life events. Not everyone can do this. This requires true courage and strength.