There Is No Grieving Without Feeling (Pt. 2)
“We don’t have to like the difficult or painful things that happen to us. But when we stop fighting and resisting, we have more energy and imagination to move forward, instead of nowhere.” ~Edith Eger Holocaust Survivor and psychologist
My first reunion with my birth family in 2015 was very hard as I was very young, naïve but also inexperienced and at the same time too eager that it was always go go go which resulted in me never having time to reflect on the situation and what I was feeling. At this point in my life, I was not used to talking to anyone not even my parents so me having to sit in front of a professional (a social worker) and start the conversation and open up to her was an impossible task.
At the beginning of post reunion in 2016 not having anyone from my birth family in my life physically was very hard but I realized that when they were in my life during reunion, I was very unhappy, stressed out, frightened, agitated, reserved, hypervigilant, withdrawn and distant to name a few feelings so it was not a good situation. I couldn’t exist in that space and environment the way I wanted to and who I am as a person. It’s difficult having it both ways.
Before starting my healing journey, I went to university to pursue my undergraduate studies because that was something I wanted to do and achieve but I wouldn’t necessarily say that I was excited to begin my studies. But now having been on a healing journey for nearly three years my perspective is different as soon I’ll be embarking on my postgraduate studies. This is the first time that I’m actually excited about doing something. There is a big change here! It goes to show how much I needed to heal and how much I was hurting.
“In every crisis there is transition.” ~Edith Eger Holocaust Survivor and psychologist
Up until 2019, I was very hurt indeed, had pain and lots of anger. All I wanted back then in 2015 when I dived into reunion was to know who my birth parents were, but they rejected me for a second time. It wasn’t much that I was asking. At the time, I felt like I wasted my time in seeing my birth family for one year but then afterwards I realized it’s more complicated than that. I then decided to think about myself and what I needed: my future, getting on with my life and healing. Back then, I didn’t need them in my life if they were going to cause pain, anger, create disappointments and have aggressive behaviour because when this happens the pain takes over everything.
I think the start of my healing journey started once I received my file in June 2019 and from then on, I was able to recognise things more clearly and understand life events and my journey. It took a good four months for me to be calm again because reading my file brought on high levels of anger towards the people that hurt me as a baby, toddler but also my experiences with reunion. Healing for an adoptee is a daily commitment. At this point when I picked up my file and had the opportunity to discuss things with the social worker, I still couldn’t verbalize my inner thoughts, feelings and how much I was hurting due to my birth family's actions and how this was affecting me. As I hadn’t started the healing journey, I couldn’t be the real me as inside of me I was suffering deeply and living with the pain inside of me every day.
“Once you begin to heal, what you discover will not be the new you, but the real you. The you that was there all along, beautiful, born with love and joy.” ~Edith Eger Holocaust Survivor and psychologist
It’s been up to me as an adult to try and work everything out when it comes down to how I feel and felt about certain situations when it is a difficult task. It wasn’t until I was twenty-three that I was starting to get to the root of my problems when beforehand I was not ready to face my troubles. I kept running away from them which I put to one side. By the time I was twenty-four and twenty-five, I was very serious about healing myself and learning to cope with all the difficult things when it comes down to my life, my birth family and my adoption. In the UK, it’s difficult to find support out there when the outside world is not focused on helping or supporting adoptees who are over the age of eighteen. The support for those under eighteen is still not adequate enough. If you are able to find the right support, you are very lucky indeed.
Everyone will have their own methods of healing but for me, writing/journaling is my way of expressing my deep inner thoughts, feelings and experiences which I’m unable to do if I were to speak to someone on a 1:1 basis. For me, writing is therapeutic and cathartic as it forces one to have to think instead of one’s ideas all over the place. Writing makes things clearer. However, I’ve come to acknowledge that there is so much that writing can help oneself. Other methods need to come into place too. I’ve found out that talking about what’s hurting, worrying me, past experiences and traumas is also useful, as it’s a two way dialogue and the other person can offer you their advice whilst writing is just a one way dialogue.
“Writing has been an important exercise to clarify what I believe, what I see, what I care about, what my deepest values are. The process of converting a jumble of thoughts into coherent sentences makes you ask tougher questions.” ~Barack Obama